These past few days have been pretty rough. Not just rough, but hard. They have tested me, and I have failed miserably. I had no clue I was lying, or that others I trusted thought I was. But I have been accused, and I can see their side of things, no matter how wrong they may be. I have found out some truths as well. And now I am at a loss as to what to do.
I will probably not be going to school this fall. I cannot afford it now that I have fucked up and still haven't graduated yet after being in school for four years. And I take all responsibility for that. It just sucks. So I am now on the search for a second job. I need to work so I can save up to move out - on my own.
Right now, I can't even think straight. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. But I am stronger than that. I did this to myself, and I will fix it. If that means never trusting or making friends again, then I will do it. Whatever it takes to survive.
I seem to hurt those I care about, and most of the time, it's without even knowing it. So how do I change that? I distance myself. From everyone.
That's all I can do.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Something Old
My little brother has picked up the pen I dropped. I used to write all the time. Mostly fan-fiction: Harry Potter and CSI for the post part. But I have not written a word for a year now. I don't Play-by-Post role play anymore like I used to, and I can feel all creative juices I used to have are gone. I want them back, and hope to work at it this summer. Until then, my few but fantastic readers, I want to give you something I wrote back in my prime.
Common Senses - A poem
I could smell
the musk of cologne
I could feel the slick
of sweaty skin on skin.
I could taste the stale smoke
of cigarette on my lips.
I could hear the lust
in guttural moans you made
and
I could see your smile
as it lit up my heart.
But,
Now I no longer
smell, feel, taste,
hear or see,
Because you took
away all that
was left of me.
K. A. Stroud
30 Aug. 2007
This next one is a journal entry I wrote from the journal my main RP character kept. This is from after her entire life changed. Achromatopsia is a condition, in Pauley's case, where her eyes are extremely sensitive to light. She can only see in grayscale, and cannot go out in sunlight (as a mortal) without heavy black sunglasses made special for her or else she would go blind by the bright white of the sun. So, enjoy this little journal entry.
********************************************************************
It has been a month since my entire life changed. I can still remember that night clearly. The night my life as I had known it ended, and my new life began. I was at the park taking pictures, doing my job. My upcoming collection was going to showcase the lives of those on the street; the working people who cluttered the corners at night, who exchanged money for life, who slept on the park benches. I had come to know those people. They had ignored me for weeks, leaving me to her duties, knowing they were safe. Then one night, some stranger approached me. That was the first time I had ever been approached while there. He had beautiful, shocking blue eyes, and pale skin that was flawless. His voice rang through my ears. I knew it wouldn’t look good, to those who worked the park, to see a man approach me like that. Some already suspected me of being a cop. I was able to get rid of him, but not fast enough.
Just moments after the man left to watch from a bench yards away, some prick attacked me, and from there, I blacked out. When I woke, I felt, strange. That’s the only way I know to explain it. My entire body felt weak, tired, and sore in spots, but I was still alive. Or I thought I was. Until that strange man spoke. His voice was no longer musical, but it still rang, clear and crisp. His eyes were still that beautiful blue, but it was his skin, that smooth, pale skin that looked so different. Although I was still colorblind, it was almost as if I could see the blood pulsing in his veins, see his skin shimmer as he moved, and I could see small grooves in his flawless face. I could hardly believe him as he explained to me what I was. Yet, part of me did. The proof was evident. Blood surrounded me everywhere; it was obvious I should have died. I could look right at a street light without feeling excruciating pain. Never before could I do that, not with my Achromancy. Taking it in stride, for what else could I do, I went home, the man who had just turned me into a vampire following me.
My life has never been the same since. After a month, I am still trying to get used to sleeping all day, drinking blood, and to having a family. I had never really had a family before. I used to have my grandmother, but she died when I was sixteen, leaving me completely alone. I never knew my mother. I knew of her, through my grandmother, but she never said much about her. My mother had been a prostitute, and had left me on my grandmother’s doorstep after I was born. After my grandmother died, I traveled from city to city. To make ends meet, I sold my photographs. Sometimes I would get up to five hundred thousand dollars for a collection. I have not had to worry about money since, but I lived frugally. I only had myself, so there was no one to spend the money on, and I had no need for it myself.
I now live in the Windstarr family home. I have a father, Cian Mahoney, who sired me. His wife is beautiful, and they just had a son, giving me a little brother to spoil rotten. He takes after his mom, with small little ears and a fluffy tail, but he has his father’s hair, and the most wonderful eyes I have ever seen. I cannot tell the color although they tell me they are blue, but I am fascinated by the ring around them. I have a new grandmother, Gena, Cian’s sire, who loves to cook just as I do, and she even has a shop I can visit and possibly work in. I have a brother who I am sure is either gay, or bisexual because he flirts with many of the guys in the house. Dax is funny. He has a very sarcastic sense of humour, but he is smart as well. I enjoy spending time with him. I also have a sister. I haven’t met her yet since we have not yet crossed paths, but she is engaged to marry Cian’s blood brother, John. I am very happy for them both.
I cannot fail to mention the one person I have met who makes me want to kill him and yet kiss him all at the same time. Travertine was sired by Gena, and he is so irritating. He makes my blood boil, and makes me want to strangle him. And being a new vampire, I probably have the strength to do so as well. He is very handsome and has a great body, but he knows it and flaunts it. In our family, nudity is welcome and even encouraged, and Trav takes advantage of that for sure. He is smart, too. But he is even more of a smart-ass. He knows just what buttons to push to set me off, and he does it well. Part of me likes this. I like the man, and just don’t want to admit to myself, let alone to anyone else. He had the audacity to come into my room, make me think he really wanted to know about how I saw the world, then to kiss me. It was the most breath-taking kiss I have ever had, and it went straight to my loins. I had to fight to keep from taking the ass up on his invitation to his room. It has been months since I have been intimate with someone, but I refuse to just fall into bed with the first man to make me want him. If Travertine wants me, then he will have to work for me.
I told you my life has changed. I’m very lucky to have such a loving family, and I still do my work. A good amount of the money I have saved up has been spent on remodeling and redecorating my own bedroom and bath, and I hope to see about getting a dark room set up in the house as well. I get to spend lifetimes with my new family, and I get to really enjoy life now that I am happy. This journal is only the first to catalogue what is going to be eternity through my grayscale eyes.
***********************************************************************************
Okay, so that's all for tonight. I really must be heading to bed. Night!
Common Senses - A poem
I could smell
the musk of cologne
I could feel the slick
of sweaty skin on skin.
I could taste the stale smoke
of cigarette on my lips.
I could hear the lust
in guttural moans you made
and
I could see your smile
as it lit up my heart.
But,
Now I no longer
smell, feel, taste,
hear or see,
Because you took
away all that
was left of me.
K. A. Stroud
30 Aug. 2007
This next one is a journal entry I wrote from the journal my main RP character kept. This is from after her entire life changed. Achromatopsia is a condition, in Pauley's case, where her eyes are extremely sensitive to light. She can only see in grayscale, and cannot go out in sunlight (as a mortal) without heavy black sunglasses made special for her or else she would go blind by the bright white of the sun. So, enjoy this little journal entry.
********************************************************************
It has been a month since my entire life changed. I can still remember that night clearly. The night my life as I had known it ended, and my new life began. I was at the park taking pictures, doing my job. My upcoming collection was going to showcase the lives of those on the street; the working people who cluttered the corners at night, who exchanged money for life, who slept on the park benches. I had come to know those people. They had ignored me for weeks, leaving me to her duties, knowing they were safe. Then one night, some stranger approached me. That was the first time I had ever been approached while there. He had beautiful, shocking blue eyes, and pale skin that was flawless. His voice rang through my ears. I knew it wouldn’t look good, to those who worked the park, to see a man approach me like that. Some already suspected me of being a cop. I was able to get rid of him, but not fast enough.
Just moments after the man left to watch from a bench yards away, some prick attacked me, and from there, I blacked out. When I woke, I felt, strange. That’s the only way I know to explain it. My entire body felt weak, tired, and sore in spots, but I was still alive. Or I thought I was. Until that strange man spoke. His voice was no longer musical, but it still rang, clear and crisp. His eyes were still that beautiful blue, but it was his skin, that smooth, pale skin that looked so different. Although I was still colorblind, it was almost as if I could see the blood pulsing in his veins, see his skin shimmer as he moved, and I could see small grooves in his flawless face. I could hardly believe him as he explained to me what I was. Yet, part of me did. The proof was evident. Blood surrounded me everywhere; it was obvious I should have died. I could look right at a street light without feeling excruciating pain. Never before could I do that, not with my Achromancy. Taking it in stride, for what else could I do, I went home, the man who had just turned me into a vampire following me.
My life has never been the same since. After a month, I am still trying to get used to sleeping all day, drinking blood, and to having a family. I had never really had a family before. I used to have my grandmother, but she died when I was sixteen, leaving me completely alone. I never knew my mother. I knew of her, through my grandmother, but she never said much about her. My mother had been a prostitute, and had left me on my grandmother’s doorstep after I was born. After my grandmother died, I traveled from city to city. To make ends meet, I sold my photographs. Sometimes I would get up to five hundred thousand dollars for a collection. I have not had to worry about money since, but I lived frugally. I only had myself, so there was no one to spend the money on, and I had no need for it myself.
I now live in the Windstarr family home. I have a father, Cian Mahoney, who sired me. His wife is beautiful, and they just had a son, giving me a little brother to spoil rotten. He takes after his mom, with small little ears and a fluffy tail, but he has his father’s hair, and the most wonderful eyes I have ever seen. I cannot tell the color although they tell me they are blue, but I am fascinated by the ring around them. I have a new grandmother, Gena, Cian’s sire, who loves to cook just as I do, and she even has a shop I can visit and possibly work in. I have a brother who I am sure is either gay, or bisexual because he flirts with many of the guys in the house. Dax is funny. He has a very sarcastic sense of humour, but he is smart as well. I enjoy spending time with him. I also have a sister. I haven’t met her yet since we have not yet crossed paths, but she is engaged to marry Cian’s blood brother, John. I am very happy for them both.
I cannot fail to mention the one person I have met who makes me want to kill him and yet kiss him all at the same time. Travertine was sired by Gena, and he is so irritating. He makes my blood boil, and makes me want to strangle him. And being a new vampire, I probably have the strength to do so as well. He is very handsome and has a great body, but he knows it and flaunts it. In our family, nudity is welcome and even encouraged, and Trav takes advantage of that for sure. He is smart, too. But he is even more of a smart-ass. He knows just what buttons to push to set me off, and he does it well. Part of me likes this. I like the man, and just don’t want to admit to myself, let alone to anyone else. He had the audacity to come into my room, make me think he really wanted to know about how I saw the world, then to kiss me. It was the most breath-taking kiss I have ever had, and it went straight to my loins. I had to fight to keep from taking the ass up on his invitation to his room. It has been months since I have been intimate with someone, but I refuse to just fall into bed with the first man to make me want him. If Travertine wants me, then he will have to work for me.
I told you my life has changed. I’m very lucky to have such a loving family, and I still do my work. A good amount of the money I have saved up has been spent on remodeling and redecorating my own bedroom and bath, and I hope to see about getting a dark room set up in the house as well. I get to spend lifetimes with my new family, and I get to really enjoy life now that I am happy. This journal is only the first to catalogue what is going to be eternity through my grayscale eyes.
***********************************************************************************
Okay, so that's all for tonight. I really must be heading to bed. Night!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I have seen the future... It's just as shitty as the present
Ya know, I have seen a lot in my life. I have had people come into my life, only to disappear just as hastily as they arrived. And the best part, the same thing is going to keep happening. People let others stomp all over them, knowing it isn't good or their fault, but do nothing to stop it. Maybe they can't do anything about it. But sometimes, just sometimes, I want to scream, "get some fucking balls and dump the retard!" But I can't do that. Oh, no. Because it would hurt the one who has already been hurt enough.
My mother is about to leave my step-father. But she still loves him, so she isn't leaving-leaving. No. Just moving out and asking for a separation. How someone can still love the person who treats them and their kids like shit is beyond me. Yet, I have loved someone who wasn't any good for me as well. But I had the guts to stand up and say enough was enough. That didn't stop someone who I thought was a friend from raping me, though. No. So I guess sometimes, saying no doesn't work.
On a good note, Thursday is coming up quick. I am so excited to go see "Young Frankenstein: The Musical." I cannot help but wonder though, how many of the people I am going to see it with even really give a shit about me. So many of them I considered as friends, but this past semester, people got mean. Treated me like a piece of dog crap. Maybe it was because I was close to Tracey. I don't know. I do know I let them take advantage of me. I would do so much for them, and get nothing in return.
So again, I wonder. Do any of them even care if I go? Do they care if I just.... disappear? Some are leaving now that they graduated, and I couldn't be happier. Some others, brought a bad habit into the theatre and corrupted a girl who didn't need that brought onto her. I worry for all of these people, but I can bet they don't give a damn about me. Nope. I know they don't. But I care. Too much.
And this Saturday is the bonfire my friend Mary Beth and I have been planning for weeks. We have spent a lot of time and money, and no one is going to show. Why? Because no one ever shows to parties I throw. And I never get invited to parties other people throw. I hope people show up this weekend. I want this party to be a success; not for my sake, but for Mary's. She needs this outlet. To have fun and meet new people. I want her to be happy. She deserves it.
But I am going to go for now. No one is reading my blog. Just like it was before. No one cares. And I guess I have to like it. What other choice do I have?
My mother is about to leave my step-father. But she still loves him, so she isn't leaving-leaving. No. Just moving out and asking for a separation. How someone can still love the person who treats them and their kids like shit is beyond me. Yet, I have loved someone who wasn't any good for me as well. But I had the guts to stand up and say enough was enough. That didn't stop someone who I thought was a friend from raping me, though. No. So I guess sometimes, saying no doesn't work.
On a good note, Thursday is coming up quick. I am so excited to go see "Young Frankenstein: The Musical." I cannot help but wonder though, how many of the people I am going to see it with even really give a shit about me. So many of them I considered as friends, but this past semester, people got mean. Treated me like a piece of dog crap. Maybe it was because I was close to Tracey. I don't know. I do know I let them take advantage of me. I would do so much for them, and get nothing in return.
So again, I wonder. Do any of them even care if I go? Do they care if I just.... disappear? Some are leaving now that they graduated, and I couldn't be happier. Some others, brought a bad habit into the theatre and corrupted a girl who didn't need that brought onto her. I worry for all of these people, but I can bet they don't give a damn about me. Nope. I know they don't. But I care. Too much.
And this Saturday is the bonfire my friend Mary Beth and I have been planning for weeks. We have spent a lot of time and money, and no one is going to show. Why? Because no one ever shows to parties I throw. And I never get invited to parties other people throw. I hope people show up this weekend. I want this party to be a success; not for my sake, but for Mary's. She needs this outlet. To have fun and meet new people. I want her to be happy. She deserves it.
But I am going to go for now. No one is reading my blog. Just like it was before. No one cares. And I guess I have to like it. What other choice do I have?
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Why must there always be a freaking title?
My first blog post since I deleted my MySpace page. It's kinda crazy in it's own little way. I am going to have to get used to a all new layout and format, but hey, that's just the way things go. Right now, I'm watching the Survivor Reunion, and I have to say, as much as I like Russell, right now he is pissing me off.
But that's okay. Let him be a jerk.
I am hoping to make this an interesting blog, filled with my thoughts, previous writings, and random rants if I ever feel the need. So although this first post is short, please stay tuned. I will promise that there is more to come.
But that's okay. Let him be a jerk.
I am hoping to make this an interesting blog, filled with my thoughts, previous writings, and random rants if I ever feel the need. So although this first post is short, please stay tuned. I will promise that there is more to come.
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